Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in sna_kev_0831's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, October 14th, 2007
10:04 am	WOW....thats all that comes to mind right now. If you actually sit here and read this right now, i will be amazed. I know that sometimes when you think that problems are big, and when you go to write them down, they end up really small, or theres just not as much there as it seems. But here i go, and i know this is going to be long...i just need to get some things of my chest, and i would rather do it on here where theres a chance a friend could see it, and possibly put in there input, rather than talking to a stranger and having them know everything about my life. No thanks. I luv yas all, rememeber that. Everyone knows my feelings on Kyle in the past. If you didn't, let me sum it up for you. I hated him, i despised him, and all over the fact that he was just there. But let us not foget what was happening at that time, and why a certain someone (me...) hated almost everyone except there friends. When i look back, i will admit that yes i was a bitch, and i even admited that to Kyle, and apologized endless times to him because of it. I judged him before i knew him, and i know thta things would be different right now if i stuck with him and actually put an effort out to dating him when he first asked me out....But i didnt, and i admit that. But I grew up, and i gave him a chance. And truthfully im happy that he did. Many people have been commenting on how hes been treating me, and yes, he's been treating me well. He hasn't turned away despite my health problems, or my emotional ones. He's always there, and he's willing to try and make it work. But it makes me afraid...and i know i shouldnt be. i know if i grow too attached to him and something happens...i dont know how i would be able to handle that....but hes a good guy, and i hope that everyones bad feelings about him and all the stupid rumours will stop. Im sick and tired of having Sherry....whos supposed to be like my sister...tell me that everytime she thinks about Kyle and I, she feels like shes going to throw up....GROW UP!! theres a lot of things said about him...but he has yet to prove one of them true. He has done nothing but treat me with respect and trust, and its what i look for in a guy. Hes done nothing but try to make me happy, and i will admit, he has spoiled me rotten... so what is the problem? Im so unsure of it all....i dont know what hes thinking...or what hes expecting...or if hes going to leave me like all those other assholes (excuse my swearing...im trying no to) but i also know hes not like that, and he himself has re-assured me that he wouldnt do that...but i dont know that for sure...i dont know what is going to happen, or what he might do....i dont really know what kind of guy he is...but i do know that he puts the effort out to see me, to make me happy and to just be there when i need someone. I have officially began the 4th attempt to quit smoking....yay me....didnt have much of a choice since i got sick with Pneumonia, and having asthma doesnt really help keep the airways clear so i can breath. Its been a rough week in that area. and a few scares. But im doing a lot better now, just need to try and eat now... Where Im living...just so i can clear this up with everyone that is asking me this : Why are you moving again? I am moving because of the fact that i can not stand to be this far away from family and/or friends. I can not stand feeling alone down here with no one around to help. I can not stand the fact that i have a long distance relationship going on, where i can only see my BF about once a month! Its just not fair to anyone, and its not fair to me. It has nothing to do with the school...I am moving to help me in an emotional sense.... Im an emotional wreck these days...with quitting smoking...trying to find a place to stay for Dec....keeping up with homework....keeping up with my BF.....trying to keep up with my friends....my family..... To my friends.... You all are like family to me, and i explained this before. I care about each and every one of you, and i try to make an effort to be there, and to keep in contact....truthfully i cant see myself without knowing you guys in the future, after we're all done school and married and living away from everyone....i can still see us keeping in contact, arranging those gurl days out...stuff like that. What i say is true: I will try and try to make sure that i keep in contact...unless you say otherwise. I want to be there for every single major thing. and i am looking forward to the future, hoping that every single one of you are going to be there with me, and i there with you... Random question...have you ever thought that i was crazy??....i do have a couple mental problems when it comes to emotions and stuff, but i am technically not defined as crazy....weird....I love yas all... I can keep going on and on...but i dont know if you want to hear about it all....Yesterday i just freaked out. I didnt know what to do or say. Its the 13th, and im sure some of you know why i dont do well with the 13th. I hadnt heard from Kyle at all yesterday, and because of some issues with Brian and some other things, i needed to talk to him because of some things that i heard. When he wasnt answering me, i had 2 thoughts that ran through my head, 1) He doesnt want to be with me anymore, 2) Somethings happened to him. When i finally did get ahold of him, i just cried. one thing is, im going to be extremly emotional now that i dont have smoking to keep me on a straight line with my emotions. (BTW i actually threw my smokes out...) A lot of people dont understand why i kept up with smoking...i shouldve quit years ago...but when i dont have smoking i get stressed easily, emotional and sometimes depressed. But it will help me out health wise, so i can hopefully help clear out my lungs, and maybe i wont catch everything so easily....make my immune system stronger. my hands are starting to hurt from typing so much. ive only been typing for about 20 min. now, but still.... Keep stopping to think...i hate when i start to type out everything i start getting a migraine and i lose my train of thought. it happens a lot...or im trying to do something and something else distracts me, its kind of funny, but i always get what i need to get done in the end. Im just sitting here watching to time tick by, and its going so slow.... I love Kyle...i will admit that. With his half witty jokes, his respect and trust towards me, how he likes to do the things i like to do. He doesnt judge me cause i have a bit more weight than i should...or that everyone considers me to be a nerd. In a way he is too. It makes me blush when i talk to someone and they tell me that hes lucky to have a gurl with me, cause i probably could've done better, but the truth is, Kyle has treated me better than any guy i know. I have actually been taken out to eat...with him paying...to the movies...where he pays. He got me a birthday gift that was from him, and something that he thought i would like, but would also remind me of something that he liked, and didnt just get me something that he knew i would love. He knows my problems, and in a way, hes fixing my morals. I dont drink as much any more, because he doesnt drink. He will let me do w/e he wants. He let me go to the bar with Brian the one night...he trusted the fact i would do what was right if the need arose...and he knew that Brian had been flirting with me for the longest time...he doesnt treat me like he owns me. He understands my morals, and my beliefs. He loves me for who i am, and i keep him happy when he keeps me happy. Hes not the guy i thought he was in gr. 11....but if i had given him a chance, im sure he would've shown me the guy he has shown me today. I love him...and I wont deny it... I dont know what else to say....i almost did something stupid last night, without really thinking about it. I just got overly upset, and who knows what, and did it...but i just sat here, on the computer, texted some people in hopes they could help me find Kyle so i could talk to him and re-assure my feelings. *sigh* it was a long tough night last night... anyways i gotta go and find out what i can do about a place to live after this semester and what i need to do to make sure that im transfered over for Jan. I love ya all, and i appreciate anyone who finished it until here... I know that some of my thoughts are just silly... Anyways, i miss ya all. and next time we arrange something it will be more of a success....im sure. :P Current Mood: calm (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
6:36 pm	Who knows who fucking uses this thing anymore....i dont care, i needed to "type" some stuff out.... I guess i can start with Someone accusing me about some stuff. The one thing that i learned was to mind peoples buisness...and i dont go up to anyone and say anything, i know better.... But yet i am getting accused for telling someone something (WHICH I DIDNT!!...i dont know what the fuck is going on...i really dont... The world has changed....not the small changes you notice in Gr.9 with all the clique changes and things like that...oh no. We're all older now, stepping onto the next stages of life...dating, post secondary school, G1's/G2's, cars, own places, just things like that. For me, i remember that earlier in my life, when i lived in PS in an apartment that i payed for, i felt like i was moving on with life, i was actually proud of myself for accomplishing something at the mere age of 17. But now, i relize that that wasnt what i was supposed to be doing at that age...and really i just stuck myself in a mud hole, and let everyone else continue on with everything. Now everyones ahead and living great lives...Let me tell you whats happening in mine: I work two jobs, i knwo one of them im going to be quitting or getting fired soon. There was a severe kidney infection and a liver infection found...who knows, i might croak tomorrow, i have to be that careful with what i do, with the stress that gets thrown around. I have college in sept...which i dont want to go to..but i know i have to...for a lot of reasons, some that i cant explain. I have a bf....who seems to be hiding himself...and i dont know how to get ahold of him. I live with a room mate, who makes it seem as if im out to make her life a living hell...which im truly not...fuck, im barely there, im working like crazy...Im tired, and like always im sick....i really wish that i could live one day like someone else...not be sick, be full of energy and just live life...but this is what i am... I was talking to the manager at my one job, and was telling her about what the one doctor said...ive been working there for 2.5 weeks and this is what she said:"When you first started, i thought that was what you looked like, sick all the time, and tired. But Now i know that you truly are sick" and things just seem to be getting worse...i dont know what to think, what to do.... I feel alone, only cause no one is around to talk...but its all good, i do this all the time...its a world where im on my own. Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
1:02 am	Looking around Theres nothing for me i think of what could've been. But i know that it cant be and i really wish that i could've seen. But all i have is time to wait and maybe soon you'll be at the gate i dont know why i gave up so soon i should have faught im such a goon I took what i had and used it for me but now i know what i couldnt see i know its time to move on but you were my heart you were my song. Not a day goes by that i regret that i never returned youre hard earned respect. (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 21st, 2007
9:51 pm	Well i dont know how many pple read this...cause i dont see any updates, and i dont have any comments on my past entries. I know my entries are usually long, and no one really has the time to sit down and read them, but its all good. It seems as if everyone has pushed me away, like no one needs me...but i look at it at a different veiw, and see that everyone is moving on with their lives and everyone is finding someone to "love". It was like i was the only one in a serious relationship with preston, and at that time, everyone wanted to be around...and of course preston didnt want anyone around. Now i have no one, and everyones gotten into a long term relationship...and im wandering if this is how you guys felt when i was dating preston? I feel all alone..cause everyone has there own thing now..and im wandering if i am just wanting to go back into the past and try to ressurect the old "group" the old "feeling", the respect and trust that the group had...cause we were all like sisters. Its all just seemed to fall apart over time..it just seems like theres these groups within the big group...someone hates someone, and the others are just standing by, watching. Y? I dont get it. Everyones been hurt by someone else before...but to me it just seems childish that you continuously hold a grudge over someone. Personally, its that persons life, and i can understand if they hurt you directly, that you would be mad at them...but wouldnt you try to make it work? cause if you dont..than i guess you both arent that good of friends... Theres the big trust thing with a lot of pple...and its understandable...same with respect. How do you define respect? Respect is truly what? RESPECT Its when you tell someone that you'll do something...and follow through Its when you trust someone Its when you stop when asked to Its when you dont take advantage of someone Its when you help someone out Its when you are there for someone Its when you are helpful and considerate Theres a lot of things to respect...and it can cover a lot of things, like love, friendship, family or just plain aquaintances. I always thought that i was respectful...though a lot of pple thought that i wasnt...they were always saying that i was disrespecting them. putting me down, making me feel bad about something that i didnt know i was doing...like wtf? i just dont know... Theres a lot of things on my mind...and its hard to type about them all...maybe ill start typing in this thing everyday...get everything off my chest, maybe ill feel better. Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Friday, April 6th, 2007
5:40 pm	Well, life is miserable, yet great at the same time... Matt is pissing me off. First he tells me that he has not interest in dating for a period of time, yadda yadda, so i said fine. I start talking to miles and build a liking towards him. Matt finds out and gets jealous, like wtf, i thought you said that you didnt want to go out with me? meh. Matt sent me an email the other day....apparently mikey wants to talk to me?? Well thats a first, he never wanted to talk to me before....but now out of the blue he does...ever since i started talking to miles, shit like this just pops up from that group...like Trevor doesnt talk to me anymore. ARG!! :@:@ My aunts gone on vacation, she came back the other day, and of course im freaking out cause i have a project due for co op soon and i had nothing for it...no batteries for the camera, no bristol board, no markers NOTHING! so she sent me a text back and says that i have to pya her $85 off my cheque when i get it, and an additional $12 for something or other....so i got mad at her....cause i got stuff that i need to buy, and if i cant buy it, shes going to have to buy it...but still no cheque...ARG!! :@:@ Kids at the co op are a handful, and sometimes i wander if i want to work with kids for the rest of my life..?? Sometimes i say yes, sometimes i just dont know...whats a good way to figure out if you like doing what yr doing?? Does time go by fast? yes... Do you have fun? Once in awhile Do you dread getting up in the morning? WEll getting out of bed yes...going to school no.. I just dont know. the teacher says that i would make a great CYW...and maye i will i dont know...she says that im great with the kids non the less, so..maybe.... My cousins also pissing me off, he has 4 CYW's working for him, and he freaked at one of them yesterday, threw him out of the house (literaly) and i know its because he wants to be with us...but i feel like im being smothered by him....i never get left alone cause hes always bugging me!! Like the other night, fell asleep, he woke me up asking me for money.....i guess im grumpy cause im tired... its been busy around here...though my aunts gone it seems like the house has gone to hell. four pple in the house got headlice...from my stupid cousin...so i spent like 8 hours last night checking and washing peoples hair and of course picking them out. Now that pissed me off, lucky for me, there are none in my head...but im stuck vacuuming and washing clothes to get rid of them!!! FUCK I HATE EVERYONE RIGHT NOW!! Current Mood: angry (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 18th, 2007
3:34 pm	Hey Well, i was sitting on the computer, just surfing the net when i remembered.....i havent been on livejournal...and i went on. By the looks of things, people dont really use this site anymore. Update on my life: Everyone knows that i live in Uxbridge now.small town like G-Hurst. I live with 6 other people, most of them i get along with. Whats the problem? Well I'm the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel in this house, but its more because of the fact that everyone wants attention. Sometimes, if i sneek it in, i will have some one on one time with my aunt, but its kind of hard because trav seems to want to be attached to the hip with her. My aunt on the other hand is blindly in love with her bf, and keeps going on about all the things that she has to do in the house. SHe does have a lot to do when it comes to finances, and of course im the one that does the housework. My other cousin and his GF are going to have a baby, shes 16 and hes 18. shes cranky most of the time, and gets mad at him. It happens. Than theres Evan, hes supposed to be the responsible adult, but that only happens when the dishes havent been done or theres a mess on the floor, than he yells at the 4 kids, and tells us that we should be doing more. When it comes to school, im doing pretty good. Frankly i love school because i get away from the maddness of the house. We just got report cards and im happy to say that im doing REALLY well, nothing but 80's (except that bitch ms. millar gave me 78%) I have been accepted to Georgain, and im looking forward to going there now. I'll be on my own again starting Sept. Funny thing is, Preston will be living in the same town, i dont know why hes moving there, but apparently he is. How's Matt?: Well everyone knows that im still head over heels in love with matt...but news to everyone, he doesnt think the same way about me. He says that he doesnt want to date anyone for a couple years, so i said w/e. Hes doing fine though, and our friendship is still holding true. He still calls me which makes me happy. How am i?: Well news to everyone, im fine. Im overly stressed sometimes, but im holding true. i find that im depressed and cant sleep sometimes, but it happens, and i just ignore it and continue on with my life. My goals: I've come to the conclusion that im going to quit smoking (yay!) and im hoping to lose some weight...well if you think about it..a lot of weight. Im going for my G1 as soon as welfare approves it, so than i can get to and from school (as soon as i get my G2) Im finishing school this year, and i know that i can do it, cause right now all i have is Co-Op, and already earning high marks due to the fact that I'm working iwth kids, and they seem to highly respect me. my next step is to get a job, than go to college. Conclussion: I hope that maybe some of my friends can come down here and visit me. It would be nice. I havent had anyone here in almost a year that ive been here, other than matt. I cant keep coming to visit, just to let you all know. Its costing me way too much money. You will all be happy to know that my life is coming back together, even though im stressed 80% of the time. Im working out a lot of things, and I'm loving my new prospect on life. I hope that we will start using this thing more. Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
10:21 pm	I just updated this thing...and now it wont show up??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh Current Mood: angry (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
8:52 pm	Hey.. Hey people How has everyone been?? I havent been on here since the last time i updated...and im sorry for that. I also havent commented on anyones journal...again sorry. Its hard finding time for everything these days, ive been so busy!! I have yearbook this semester and its taking up some of my after school time, but its keeping me busy. I also have to figure out how im going to get my volunteer hours???? cause i dont have them and IM RUNNING OUT OF TIME!! AHHHHH!! I havent been out of Uxbridge since the last time i was in PS, so i've been kind of hibernating. I have been sick lately...and im losing weight like crazy! now before you say anything let me explain, my aunt go me and my cousins GF a bike, cause she went away on vacation...so for the past 2 weeks, EVERYDAY after school, we go biking somewhere cause we always have something to do. I also cant seem to eat dinner anymore...i always start feeling sick RIGHT before dinner....its kind of weird... Anyways, Im glad everyone is well and alive, i hope to hear from you all soon. Luv Lots and I MISS YOU GUYS!! :'( Current Mood: tired Current Music: Fade to Black (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
3:43 pm	Hey people Well things are ok here lmao Umm....i dont know... Im tired.. ok well later LUV YA ALL (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 16th, 2006
2:23 pm	Well hi to ya'll. I havent heard from NOBODY! no one has emailed me or talked to me...and im getting a bit worried about everyone...i might have to start making phone calls. I have emailed several of you but i havent gotten anything back... Well let me know if your still living PLEASE!! IM WORRIED!! Current Mood: curious (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
9:12 pm	Hey Pple, Well i dont know if the internet is going to get cut, or when im going to be on next...So just email me Im just sitting here, thinking to myself about a lot of things. Well Im getting 2 more poems published..yay! if you want to see them, go to www.poetry.com, type in my name, and you'll see a list of them. One of them is under atifeld (spelt my name wrong!) its the only one under there, called life. anywyas i gotta get going, miss you all, take care. LOVE YAS!!!!! Current Mood: sick Current Music: Fade To Black-metallica (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 6th, 2006
6:54 pm	Well today is another day. Another day in my life, doing nothing. The only thing exciting is me losing friends, one by one. Ive screwed up, and i know that i cant really fix anything right now. I meen, everyone makes there own choices, and mistakes...but i keep making more and more and worse mistakes every day. Nothing new. I ask a question, and that alone seems to be a mistake...cause it seems to be the wrong thing to ask. Does anyone always get what they want? Do I? well...i gotta admit..my life hasnt been all that great, but i guess in a way, ive always had what i wanted. everyone does, though some dont really think they have anything at all. I feel disapointed about things...feel like i let more pple than i should've down...that i have betrayed more pple than i would like to admit. I feel hollow, and dark. I feel alone and scared...nothing you say can do anything about it. I have friends, and family, but everytime that i turn around...they're not there...they're not there, cause they have there own lives, there own problems, so i let them deal with it...sometimes i help. I want to be with pple, and have a good time..but thats hard for me, cause im always the problem solver, and always the one that gets shoved down a deep black hole. It hurts me inside when i try to help someone...though they didnt ask for it...and they just ignore me...i thought friends were supposed to be about trust, loyalty, caring w/e.. Lets stick to the friendship thing. I know that i havent really been able to see anyone...but i try. I try to make my rounds, to see those that are more dear to me than most of my family. I try to be there when they need someone to talk to. I try to give a helping hand to those who need it, that are in a situation thats not that good. I try to make everything seem alright, and to help make the problem go away...isnt that what a friend is for?? and what have i gotten back? Lets move on to Love. I always defined love as a feeling between to pple, that really care about one another. Someone who would give up anything just to hold that one person, just to be with them. They are there when they need to cry, when they need a hug, or just there cause they feel alone or scared. No one can stop the feeling of love.. Love is also when you have to learn to let go right? to let go of what you thought you had...but the other person doesnt seem to have it anymore. Lets move on to enemies, rumours, lies and insults. I have been more insulted since i moved here than i have ever been in my life!, and frankly i dont think that is really fair to me. I have lost a total of 8 friends in the past month, due to stupid fights, rumours, and mistakes. I never thought that i would be so hurt in my life. Like yeah, ive been through a lot worse...but when i base my world around friends..and i start to lose them...well...you can only imagine how i feel. I dont feel like i deserve it..but maybe i do..i dont know..cause no one talks to me first, they always just assume about everything. Thats why pres and i always fought...because he always assumed things first, or started rumours about me... Lets talk about him for a minute. When preston and i started going out..it was all fun and games..He was my life at school. He and i would skip all the time just to hang out. I remember the first time that i kissed him...he couldnt kiss worth shit. I loved being with him...than i moved...I know that i hurt him when i did...but did i have a choice?? could i have stayed and kept going with that life? i was asked to start a new life...which i did...i broke up with him...and i felt horrible about it...i also felt horrible for cheating on him...when i moved in with him..thats when i started to regret going out with him..when i had mixed emotions about everything. i thought that maybe he was the one..and i regretted it because of the fact that i was so young..and he was only the 4th guy i ever went out with...so why was i stopping with him..when i had so much more time..?? well things went down hill when i started to get all emotional and my temper started showing again... What is with me and my temper? i just cant explain it. The littlest things make it blow sometimes. Im afraid about a lot of things...one of them is letting my temper go to far...cause when it goes...im really upset about something..and thats y i used to hurt myself..and tried to kill myeslf... I know there is always someone out there for everyone. I know that everyone has there own issues. I know that ones life doesnt end till time thinks that it does..or ones self does. Life is hard. but it keeps going. you can stop it...but than you make everyone else's life harder. think about it. think about your life. We're still young, and we can change a lot, and i know that when we look back on our lives, we'll make all those little changes, and know what we did wrong to make life suck. Life is life. Live it and learn from it. Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
Friday, August 4th, 2006
11:48 am	sitting here doing nothing...just thinking How many pple will read this? Has anyone sat down and taken a look around them, or at themselves? With nothing to do, i always do that, and in a way thats why i hate myself. I dont lie to anyone but myself, and i always bring myself down. I hate myself more and more everyday. Heres a question for everyone...have i failed you as a friend? I feel as if i failed a couple pple as a friend. I see life like a line, a journey that we all take. when we're babies, we get taken care of and protected by our parents. As we get older, we start to let go, by starting school, and gaining friends. By the time that we are teenagers, we want to be rebels, and party all the time (well some of us) and get high and drunk. Some start smoking. The high school years. Friends change, different groups are made. Friends start coming and going, and more hardships are done. When one is a teenager, they seem to crave more attention, so sometimes they make something up, to feel wanted or to get someone to feel sorry for them. Sad right? People run away, or get kicked out, to expeirience the world. Its not an easy thing, but its easier when you have help.. Some pple think that partying is ok..well once in awhile maybe, but not all the time. and taking drugs to far is a big NO. the only person that your hurting is yourself, and when you get hurt, your going to have pple worying about you, but deep down, they're going to know, that you did it to yourself, and its your own fault, cause you dont listen! I cant keep trying to force anyone to do something else, i can only place my opinion. No one liked it when i got into drugs...but why are you the exception, why do you think that its alright for you. Everyone has problems, and no ones is worse than someone elses, they're all bad in there own little way. Someone said that i just didnt care about there problems..but i do...but that line stops when they are hurting themselves by partying all the time, or doing drugs. They;re also hurting themselves when they do things to get attention, or accusing someone else of doing something "horrible" to them, to get everyone to feel sorry for them, and to hate that one person...now that is going to far. I love all my friends, like family, cause they are almost all that i have these days. When someone starts opening there eyes, and see what i see...let me know. Current Mood: hot (Comment on this)
Monday, July 24th, 2006
8:47 pm	20 things i want to do before i die one: not die, lmfao, sorry two: skydive three: y am i making this list any who? lmfao, i dont know.... (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 20th, 2006
11:07 am	sisters forever, isnt that what we promised? was to be sister forever? well sister do have there fights, but the way things go...well who knows, and i think that im going to get really nasty if i keep going, but im not going to say names or anything k? i know that some pple that i chilled with had this problem with making things seem worse than they really are...or threatning to comit suicide just to make pple mad at the "person" who is cause all the other "person" so much pain, but did u have time to sit and think what they were doing to the other person? probably not sisters...what is that supposed to meen? well its an invisiblbe bond that connects 2 pple together, and they respect, be honest and be loyal to each other...DOES THAT MEEN ANYTHING? it did to me, and trust me, i do want to kill myself right now, and thats thanks to someone, im NOT going to play dirty like they are, im going to rely on my freinds that shall stick by me, and if i have none, than so be it, GOOD BYE TO YOU TO. im not going to make pple choose sides between the two fighteees but i will tell them my side, i will tell them my veiw, and i will probably lean on them a bit, cause it is a bit stressful. u know? i dont know if u do..who knows, Im a very patient person, but for one to go around and do diddly shit, and not experience life as it is, i think ive given them enough time, 3 years is a long time. so if u take sides, than FUCK YOU FUCK YOU and FUCK YOU, i only stand by my friends, who dont take sides, and who dont talk shit behind my back. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 8th, 2006
10:39 pm	Well, i leave tomorrow. lol. i cant wait. Ive had a lot of time to think about things, and i've gotten a good veiw on my life lol. Ive had my wrongs and rights, and i do wish that i could fix some of them lol I fell/think that i have helped a lot of pple in my life...but im really not sure about it you know? i dont know what pple think, or feel, i just know that i try to make a difference and i dont know what pple think of me. I was once told that family doesnt just meen the same blood in the veins...sometimes its not even the same blood u know? Ive had a lot of pple help me out in the past couple of years, a lot of friends made, but i also feel as if i took advantage of some pple you know? and its not till in the future that u regret it..and i regret it. I feel as if i stole things from pple, that i shouldnt have, or i used them. I feel bad for it. Im hoping that in the time that im going to hopefully finish high school that im going to change into a better person. Ive always tried to be the best, to help everyone around me, and now i look back and i think that i hurt more pple than ive actually helped. Do i think that im a bad person? no, i dont, u might, but i dont. I might've lied the couple lies, or made the few mistakes, but who hasnt? If i could change things with preston and i, go back and try again, i think that i would be a 100% honest with him in the beginning, which meens that i would have told him what i thought, i wouldnt have been such a bitch, that i would have helped him as much as he helped me, you know? theres some things that i know that i cant fix anymore, but i do want to fix my life..and i hope that its not to late. I thought it was fixed, i thought that is was going to be alright, but it wasnt, things just got worse, and i made more mistakes. I continued to help pple, which helped them, but hurt me in the end. Im not blaming anyone but myself, it is my fault after all. I know that everyone in this world has had a hard life, and theres pple like me that might make it harder, or want everyone to think that there life is so horrible by empraphising on every little detail to make it a much bigger deal than it is. wanting everyone to feel sorry for them, and frankly i dont want it. The past couple years ive been pretty good..usually i just tell one person my problem, and by the end of the day, everyone on my MSN list is asking me about it. Its kind of funny cause i only tell one person instead of like 50 and everyone knows right down to the last detail. I dont want pple to feel sorry for me, i just want pple to see me as i am, and thats me. I try not to be selfish, but i have to re-think what selfish is..I want to help pple, but im going to have to find a way that doesnt hurt me. I have to improve myself, so i wear what i want, and not what everyone else is telling me to where, or just something that no one is oging to make fun of me for wearing. I want to become more daring iwth everything, in other wards, i want to be what i was born to be..a gurl, and im going to start... umm.... as soon as i know how!!! Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
11:56 pm	anger and frustration, we all know what it is..we've all felt it. I know that some of us (like me) lose there temper and get mad..and i know that i get so mad, that i blame no one but myself, and i get even more mad because im mad at myself for being mad at myself.. Life is something that we live with till the end..and its not easy, im not going to try and be all wise and shit, im telling it as it is I was thinking today about all the pple that i've screwed over, or upset, or disapointed..and its understandable. U alwyas think of yourself first..like skipping school..u might be letting down your group for that project..or you just might be letting yourself down becasue school gets you everywhere these days, and if you dont go, your not going to get anywhere in life. i know..ive been there. at first i was relectant to go to school because of the fact that I grew up in ONE town, always gone to ONE school, alwyas knew the pple around me, and always had my friends. when i started at PSHS it scared me cause i didnt know anyone, and i never lived anywhere but MY hometown. its not something that i was used to. and it was especially hard, cause even before i started there, i knew that i was going to be moving..and i knew that i would have to go through it all again. I went to PSHS, met a great guy, made some friends, and had a good semester..and i thought that maybe i could do the same thing in Huntsville...but it didnt turn out like that..for me i did find a great guy..in fact he was beyond great..but i had all those struggles of trying to adjust, to try and make friends..but no one there wanted to be my friend..and when i did find friends..i was told by a teacher that they weren't good pple..but in fact, they were great pple. i went through seeing councillers non stop, guidance, group meeting, CAS, mental health..and it wasnt helping..i moved back to gravenhurst, thinking that my old life would be there, but it wasnt..most of the pple forgot about me, replaced me..they got on with there lives..and i wasnt included, so i went back to what i knew..and even there..i wasnt accepted anymore. Pple change, and life goes on..for me its been hard..cause i've left many lives and tried to start new..and even if i go back..i have to start a new life anywyas..because my old one had been washed away and forgoten. Ive been through a lot..and no one can deny that. I have no parents..and sometimes i think that my real family doesnt give 2 shits about me. but family isnt always about blood. what is family to me? well over the past 3 years, going from place to place, just to have a place to stay, i learned that family is like a friend, in fact it pretty much is. Its someone u can rely on, someone who is honest, someone who cares. along my path i have found many pple like that..but sometimes they end up turning there backs on me down the road..and y's that? is it because ive disapointed them? I am a human being..i make mistakes, and i admit to those mistakes. i live my life the way that i know how. I try my best to make everyones life easier. I am an ear, waiting by the phone I am a shoulder, waitng for you to cry Im not going to use my mouth for bad, put you down, make you want to die I have a heart, that really cares I have arms to give you a hug Im not going to ignore your pain hide it all under a rug I give you what i know I give the words you want to hear Im always here When you shed that first tear Current Mood: drained (1 Comment |Comment on this)
4:20 pm	YAY! im so excited..and i think i have my week planned for when im in Muskoka:S:S I get to see matt for sure! yay! im REALLY excited about that..lol. Its been slow and a bit boring here lol. Im still trying to find a job, and its not going so good..cause everyone seems to already have there summer staff lol. But i can still try. Next week is going to be awsome and i cant wait! I think i have it all planned..im not sure lol. I have been upset lately..mostly about preston..and trying to get my life back on track. Its hard, and no one can tell u its easy. My birthday is less than 2 months away, and im going to be 18..and i cant believe it! it seems like yesterday that i was just turning 6 or 12. i keep thinking that im only turning 16! was like i havent even lived the last 2 years..its gone by so fast. I want my computer back..and i know the only way im going to get it back is if i get the cops involved..but i know many pple who will be upset with me if i did that lol. i want everything else in the apartment back..like i meen, theres all my pictures and everything and i miss it..maybbe i should just start over? my back hurts right now..i think im going to go ly down.. anywyas lata Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Unfaithful (Comment on this)
Friday, June 30th, 2006
6:52 pm	Summer is here! yay! lol I cant wait for my week "vacation" i get to see everyone who is around lol. Its been slow and a bit boring here..lol..i need to get a job. Well, my aunt just got a house, took her one whole day. lol. its 4 levels, 5 bedrooms and 2/3 bathrooms (i dont remember how many bathrooms.) so 2 more months than i get my own room again! Im a bit scared about starting yet another school in Sept..its hard for me to make friends, lol. I wish that i knew at least one person there (family dont count!) My cousins birthday is coming up, as well as a couple others (my sister, my other cousin, my grandpa, and SHERRY!) and some other pple. lol. Today has been long, but not so uneventful. We were in New Market today..just doing some stuff. Hmm..*-) i dont know what else to really say I know that ive been feeling down..and i still do. I look at myself and i just bring myself down, but one good thing is, i plan on trying to approve my life and this time i dont think that i will give up so easily. I miss preston, i really do, but if he wants to move on with his life, than i shouldnt hold him back right? i shouldnt stand in his way. I'll just be happy for him. I really wish that i lived in Huntsville right now though..cause i would love to get back together with matt. I think of him every day still lol, is there anything wrong with that? I think that maybe im just a little bit obbsesvie. lol. but isnt everyone a little bit obbsessive? I cant wait to move into this house..its likeim getting a second chance to be a kid again, to decorate my room the way that i want it without being insulted lol. Im going red with a dragon theme..figures right? im buying my own furniture, but the first thing that i am buying with my first pay cheque is a bike! (maybe if i get the ambition. i'll just ride my bike to see everyone in G-hurst!) lol. I want to lose some weight (im not saying that im fat, im just saying that i would like to lose some weight) and i miss biking around..it would be a good way to have some time to myself..which is hard around here, cause everyone is around. lol. its family life, and frankly i miss it..but im not used to it. lol. I plan on getting my credits done, going back for an extra year, than im done high school and i'll be off to college! cant wait, really cant. Im thinking about what i want to do for a summer job, and i think that im going ot try and get a job at Timmy hoes again. lol, night shift, that frees up my days for a second part time job if i want it, you know? i need the money right now, since i plan on buying a lot of things myself. Like i lost everything, i have NO clothes, NO shoes (other than flip flops, THANK YOU LINNY!) i have nothing to call my own, which is y im going to buy everything myself, so than i dont feel bad, cause my aunt has all these bills, yadda yadda.. u know.. Preston left all my stuff at the hotel room, everything except what i took with me...i cant believe that.. he blames it on linny though lol. i blame it on him the selfish bastard.. now im calling him names...i should be nice...lol anywyas i gotta go! talk to y'all later. LOVE YOU ALL! (though some of u hate each other) Miss you, love ya, talk to you all soon (i hope) (for those who want to call me, just email me and ill email u the number) Current Mood: sore (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
10:59 pm	Theres a hole in my heart..and it shouldnt be there... I miss him....but i shouldnt.. he hurt me...i should hate him but i dont, i love him I remember fighting with my emotions, thinking that maybe things would be better without him...but without him, i feel lost and confused...i feel lonely and hurt...am i supposed to feel like this? I remember when he asked me to marry him, said that he never felt like this with another gurl, said that i was special...were they words or did he meen them? I dont know.. I know that through our whole relationship i always asked myself "what am i doing with him? i can do better" but i dont think that im going to find another guy like him.. Wait..he was selfish.. But he did do things that made me feel specail, that made me feel good about myself.. he wrote me a song, and a peom, and hugged me when i cried.. But there were still those times, when i felt like he didnt give a shit But how am i supposed to know? I wasnt in his head.. On many occasions i felt as if he cheated on me..well there was when Alanna moved in with us..and when she did...he stopped hassling me to have sex with him...kind of strange... He said he didnt..but how was i suppsed to know..i wasnt there 24/7 I guess it was me though i was to uptight, wanted him to change..but i couldnt do that..i shouldnt have done that I remember when i told him that i didnt want him to smoke pot anymore...maybe i shouldnt have i didnt want to see him do it cause he got away from everything that was going on in his life..i wanted him to deal with that..but i shouldnt have.. I guess that i saw things had to be done my way..i was controlling..but i felt like i had to be cause he was always acting like a child.. I feel like i let him down...i feel like everything that was bad that happened, was my fault... I miss him..and im told to move on.. ive lost him...though i dont want to admit it I Love Him.. Current Mood: crushed (1 Comment |Comment on this)